A Year Ago

Funny,

how life works out.

If you had told me

a year ago

that all of

THIS

would happen to me,

I would have sworn you were

insane.

My whole life has changed.

Who I am has changed.

A YEAR AGO:

I had long hair, and still dyed it dark.

I was talking to that boy and he said he wanted to marry me some day (HA!).

I was working as a nanny and hating it.

I was still at Crestview.

I had heard Celebration was a cult and to avoid it at all costs. :) hahaha

I was wishing I was leaving.

I hadn't yet lost my high school friends.

My vision for my future looked very different.

I still had braces

I had a crappy, broken flip-phone.

I didn't have a blog.

I hadn't fallen in love with worship music.

I didn't know what love was - I just thought I did.

I didn't appreciate my Bible as being ALIVE and as being a source of LIFE.

I had never been on a mission trip.

The word "serve" scared me.

I was pretty sure I would NEVER talk to a homeless person.

I hadn't discovered that it was VITAMIN C I was allergic to.

I was only vaguely away of what prayer was and completely blind to the POWER behind it.

Purple and yellow weren't my favorite colors yet.

I had never heard of 'Toms Shoes'.

I didn't know I wrote prose; I had already made up my own name for that kind of writing.

Bucket lists weren't all that important.

I had never been in a cemetery.

I had never been bitten by an amphibian that weighs less than half an ounce and can't hurt me (yet I jump every time anyway).

I had never been to Austin - the downtown fun part.

I had never been anywhere and thought "There are no adults here" only to realize MY FRIENDS AND I *ARE* ADULTS.

I had never been skydiving.

I hadn't met the most distracting person in creation.

I couldn't see how immature I was.

Seeking God's face - and enjoying it - was a new concept.

I had never signed up to help in a church on a regular basis because I wanted to.

I hadn't experienced full healing and restoration.

I didn't know what sacrifice was.

I didn't have a clue what real surrender was.

I had never literally screamed at God.

I didn't know it was possible to dream of the same face every night for months.

I had never written on my mirror.

I didn't understand what the body of Christ was supposed to be.

Promise Me

Today

I'm writing an essay for class.

It's about

you.

But I

WON'T

let you read it

until you

promise me

you will

NOT

get a motorcycle.

Rar.

Yours

I still feel it.

Your hand.

On my back.

Like litte secret sparkles

of warmth

that are keeping me alive

in a cold world.

Confession:

it didn't tickle.

I just liked it far too much.

Seeing you

is like seeing

my heart

walk around outside my body.

Such a strange feeling,

that something as personal and

sacred

as my heart

is no longer mine,

no longer in my keeping,

no longer guarded by

my rib cage.

You are so much

a part of me,

I cannot remember

how it felt to be alive

before I fell in love with you.

Dear Distance

And once again,

you disappeared.

You have sunk back down into the

unknown

also known as the

undisclosed

because I haven't a clue

what you've been up to

or where you've been

or what you've been thinking.

Dear Distance:

I hate you.

Moving Forward

Last night we

[me and a he that wasn't you]

talked about

the house,

Marcello.

I guess I never

mourned

that memory,

because for 10 minutes after

I sobbed great

gut-wrenching cries

that sound like what's happening:

my heart being ripped in two.

I screamed and cried

and blew a kiss to Marcello

and drove a little recklessly

[mostly just because

you told me not to].

Then I quieted down and

PRAISED THE GOD

WHO GIVES AND

TAKES AWAY,

for He is GOOD,

He is above ALL THINGS,

and His LOVE

endures forever.

That Name

Oh

LIFE.

What did I

ever

do to you?

You play such

cruel tricks

on me.

Must

my sister's new best friend have

that name??

*MY* worship?

Can my worship

possibly

be pleasing to You?

My worship?

But Lord.

You know even

better than I how

terribly selfish

I am,

how I become so

tangled

in this world,

how I get

tripped up

by needless pride.

You want

my worship?

MINE??

Who am I?

I am nothing -

worthless apart from

the value YOU give me.

I'm easily distracted

and rather

strong-willed.

My worship?

Are You sure?

Your Word says You

Delight

in me.

Your Word calls me

Beautiful.

Your Words proclaims Your

Love

for me.

My worship??

Alright, Lord.

You know it's the

only thing

I can give,

and it's not as good

as it should be.

But everything else is

already Yours.

I'm not sure how You

let me live

(much less DIED for me),

but if You want me,

God,

I'M YOURS.

It Seems I've Caught The Rambles

Boredom.

Whoa. How did THAT happen?

It's been so long since I was bored,

that I felt the sensation

and could not give it a name...

My parents get home tomorrow from the British Virgin Islands.

I'm not gonna lie: it's been GREAT to have them gone.

I get up when I want, I get home when I want, I eat what I want, I do what I want.

(see how selfish I am? How do I have friends? I mean REALLY...)

But alas. Tonight is the last night of such freedom.

After that, my car turns into a squash after midnight.

(Why a squash at midnight? Midnight is my curfew [BOOOOO!]. As for the squash, I'm pretty sure pumpkins are over-done for real. AND I really for truly love words that start with 'squ': squash. squid. squish. squelch. HA! its spectacular. This is why I named one of my frogs Squiggles.)

Today is the last day of my media fast. Right about now, I'm dying for facebook. It's been 21 days since I've been on. This is for real the hardest day. I'm done at midnight. I'm bored. IT'S RIDICULOUSLY TEMPTING to end it early.

God has been moving so much in my life right now. It's really crazy. We have the best arguments ever.

PS - I ALWAYS lose.

I'm in the weirdest spot.

I'm in this strange period of waiting. Waiting for my parents to get home. Waiting for this dumb memoir class to be over [I've never met a writing class I didn't like. Until now.]. Waiting for school to start. Waiting for vacation. Waiting for my book to be 'discovered' and published. Waiting for amazing words to come pouring out of me so I can really get going on book 2. Waiting for tonight. Waiting for my parents to FINALLY realize I don't need a curfew. Always, ALWAYS waiting for Sunday and Wednesday. Waiting for the next Bible study, the next revelation. Waiting for the next text message. Waiting to see my friends. Waiting to be married. Waiting to move out. Waiting, waiting, WAITING. My list goes on and on.

I can't help but yell at God sometimes. I like green lights.

Green = go.

Go = action.

Action = adventure.

Adventure = yay (because I like adventures).

I don't like waiting.

Last night at the Esther study, session 5 was all about this waiting business. I'm not gonna lie: at first, I was a little OFFENDED.

"Jesus! Why are we talking about this AGAIN?? I'm so sick of discussing this! I already know I lost the arguments. I already know it's not time - I'M NOT READY. Blah, blah, blah. I'm really just DONE with this maddening subject."

And then He oh-so-gently reminded me:

"Sweetheart, you asked Me to teach you HOW to wait."

"oh yeah..." (I'm telling you, I haven't the foggiest why He puts up with me... I'm not even nice half the time)

Session 5 is now officially my favorite lesson.

I blogged a little about it last night when I got home. Amazing, isn't it? I have read that verse so many times, and I never understood it that way. I love that scripture is God-breathed and alive.

Anyway.

The last point definitely hit me the hardest. God never calls us to inactivity, you see. When He calls us to wait, the meantime is God-time. (again with the mind being blown)

He has definitely been trying to tell me this, and I have definitely been obnoxiously, unswervingly impatient anyway. Sometimes I do ok. Like when life is exciting and I'm having lots of fun.

It's when I wake up from a beautiful dream about my life 5 or 10 years from now. It's when I see what I want. It's when people tell me they see great things for me - in my future. It's when I'm bored at my grandparents house. It's when MY DREAMS are becoming SOMEONE ELSE'S REALITY. It's when I realize I'm stuck here in the same stupid place, fighting the same stupid sin for the billionth time. It's when my parents don't approve because they don't see how in the world 'it's going to work' [PSH. I DON'T EITHER. Good thing *I'm* not in charge...]. It's when I sit with my pen in my hand - or microsoft word open - and nothing comes out.

Then it gets to me.

I scream a lot when I pray and drive. I can yell as loud as I want when there's no one else in the car. I think this could be because I prefer to pray on my face, and since I can't get to the ground, I compensate by making lots of noise? Sometimes when I ride with people, I just get talking and talking because it's been so long since I've had another human being in a vehicle with me. Other times I forget how to speak because it's been so long since I've had another human being in a vehicle with me. I spend a lot of time alone, you see.

Anyway.

I find myself praying certain things over and over. "Here I am, God! SEND ME!!" [Isaiah 6:8] "Make me a person simple and plain, Lord. Make me reverently responsive to what You say" [Isaiah 66:2, the msg] "Scoop 'me' out, Jesus. Fill this life and body up with YOU!"

I just re-discovered Psalm 33:20-22 [the msg]

"We're depending on God;

he's everything we need.

What's more, our hearts brim with joy

since we've taken for our own his holy name.

Love us, God, with all you've got -

that's what we're depending on."

God is teaching me

(I'm learning slowly but surely)

that waiting is an adventure.

Waiting 101

OhmanOhmanI'msoexcited!!!

I've been doing a Beth Moore bible study on

Esther

the past 5 weeks.

Every single day

God has NOT FAILED to

show up

and teach me something new.

Every single meeting

God has NOT FAILED to

blow my mind.

Tonight was no exception.

This is BIG STUFF, people!

Big, GOOD stuff!

Look at Isaiah 40:31 [The Message]:

"But those who WAIT UPON GOD get FRESH STRENGTH. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind."

So here's the deal:

When we wait on PEOPLE, EVENTS, or THINGS, our strength is

depleted.

It's gone, baby, cuz we weren't meant to do that.

But when we

wait upon God

we get FRESH STRENGTH. We can keep going and going and going, KNOWING that the Commander of the Angel Armies HAS IT UNDER CONTROL.

Whoa.

Bible study ended not long after 9. It's now 10:55.

My mind is still blown.

Do you have ANY IDEA how much I needed to know that????

I just can't get over it.

Manohman.

No Sweeter Name

How great is Your

patience

oh Lord!

How You still

Love Me,

how You

put up with me,

I have no clue.

(Because if *I* were You,

I definitely would've hit me

with a lightening bolt

by now)

You are truly beyond my

feeble understanding.

How beautiful You are!

Praise Your holy Name!

You look down at my

life,

down into my

heart

(wicked, deceitful thing!)

and test me,

try me,

show me

who I am

and where I'm at.

You,

in Your

never-ending

GRACE,

hold me close,

and teach me

Your ways.

I am so

awe-struck

by Your

generous nature

that all I can

manage,

in the smallest of voices,

is:

thank You.

Psalm 45:1 [The Message]

"My heart bursts its banks,

spilling beauty and goodness.

I pour it out in a poem to the king,

shaping the river into words."

Reflections of a Writing Class

With all the

analyzing

of the writers' work,

I begin to wonder what

joy there is in writing

if someone will only

pick it apart.

Don't dissect the words!

They weren't meant to

stand alone.

They are part of a story,

a captive memory,

a snapshot of a heart.

As much as I

delight in learning my trade,

I really hate to pull apart

the fabrications of another

soul bonded so closely to ink

when I know that's

not

what they wrote it for.

Look

Would you just

look at me.

I slept maybe

four hours last night

and yet I'm smiling,

full of energy.

No really:

look at me.

There's a bit of a shadow

in my eyes

(I saw it in the mirror just now)

from where I denied you

an answer.

Can you see it?

look at me.

One night of contact

and I've already written

more poems in less than

twelve hours

than I've written in weeks.

Pay attention when you

look at me.

Do you see the ties?

My writing hand is tied to my head

which is tied to my heart

which is tied to

you.

Do you snicker as you

look at me?

Because I have begun to wonder

if I am

pathetic.

I beg of you

not to ask me to

tell you

what I can

barely hide

to begin with

when we both know

it changes nothing

and tomorrow will be

oh so very distant

oh so very apart

from today

from right now,

which is far more preferable

even when it is simply

silence

on the phone.

Please

Please don't be

angry

with

me

for not knowing how

to tell you.

Please...

Please don't be

frustrated

with

me

for not being nearly

as strong.

Please...

Please don't be

disappointed

in

me

for being afraid.

Please...

Please don't

ask

me

questions my heart

can't answer

and stay in one piece.

Please...

Just So You Know

Just so you know

I was definitely doing

much

better

until now.

I was definitely learning

how to cope,

I was definitely seeing

that the sky was

blue

again.

I was.

Just so you know...

Hardest Goodbye

This is the

hardest

goodbye,

when you are so

close

and yet so terribly

far.

This is the

hardest

goodbye,

when we say

nothing

and choose to simply

walk away.

This is the

hardest

goodbye,

when my brain is

clogged with memories

and I have tasted

our future.

This is the

hardest

goodbye...

Rules of Play

I have but

One Rule

for every you that isn't

you:

You are not allowed

to fall in love with me,

because I am

not capable

of loving you back

when I am already

head over heels

for you.

Some things

are romantic by nature

- they can't help it,

it's how they are made.

Fluffy white dandilions,

floppy, straw sunhats,

sunsets on the beach,

blowing bubbles,

drinking tea by the window

as it rains.

I don't consider myself a

romantic individual,

but I am

in love with

all of those things.

Letter from a Soldier

I wish you would

hold me

and help me fight.

But the wall...

And the WAR...

The enemy I am

trying to defeat is

Myself.

And no matter how

I wish it weren't so,

there is nothing

you can do,

My Love,

but watch the

bombs fall,

and hope for

the best.