Rosemary

Sometimes I feel convinced
that a city is a result
of a massive explosion that is
the conglomeration of
so many lives.
And everywhere I look,
I find Rosemary;
I HATE Rosemary.

People spend entirely too much time
building fronts and
spinning lies.
It’s really no wonder
the infectious disease that’s
eating souls alive is named:
Isolation.
And everywhere I look,
I find Rosemary;
I HATE Rosemary.

It’s funny how the
bright lights dim and
we let people pass us by
without even the slightest desire
to KNOW them.
And everywhere I look,
I find Rosemary;
I HATE Rosemary.

We play with numbers,
we play with words,
we play with future’s presentation.
Spin around and
SEE yourself:
what is it
that you’re missing?
And everywhere I look,
I find Rosemary;
I HATE Rosemary.

Don’t be fooled by
what the ‘experts’ say -
when you know you’re
falling apart,
then you are.
And everywhere I look,
I find Rosemary;
I HATE Rosemary.

Permission

I would never even know
if you were thinking
of me.
You are your confounded
silly smile
are stuck in my thoughts.


I don't remember
giving you permission to
be in my head.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Writers Curse

I feel as if I've
spent half my life
sitting in a porch
with a notebook in my lap.
I'm not sure what it is
about porches and raining days,
but both of them are
environments for
writing out my now-heart.

Today I feel as
harsh as the wood grain,
pricking and snagging and
remarkably unbeautiful.
Most days I feel
like a sunflower;
today I feel more
like the stem.

I can't explain my mood
any more than I can
explain why I let
those fool-words hurt me.
I guess I'm just
lacking color
when I'm usually
soaked through with it.

Can someone please show me again
how to forget to be
grey.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Grand Ball

A gown of pure
FREEDOM
is what You have
given me to wear
as I dance with
You.

Today
I burned the dress
that I once wore,
the skirts were heavy with
unforgiveness, dependence,
silence, fear, avoidance -
CHAINS.

You've given me FREEDOM,
in its greatest purity:
unmixed,
uncompromised.

As I stepped into this new gown,
so light and soft and sweet,
I felt my beauty increase
as my heart longed only
to be absolutely
lovely in brokenness
for YOU.

Dance with me
sweet Lover of my soul,
wrap me in Your arms.
I never want to
miss a step
in this grand ball
for Your glory.

My Family

I've been sitting here for 20 minutes
typing out shards of pieces of
descriptions of people who
color my life.
But I can't settle.
I know too many beautiful people
with too many wonderful things
to attempt to capture.

I guess this is
writers ADD.

I'm in a room with golden walls
with my brothers and sisters
who are laughing,
singing,
dancing,
doing life together.

I love these people.

And I'm astounded by the
family resemblance:
Dominican,
Argentine,
African,
Mexican,
black hair,
brown hair,
blonde.

But looking face-to-face,
we're obviously related.
We are one group,
one family.

I can't wait to do
great things
with them.
I can't wait to
see us change.

Look out central Texas:
HERE WE COME.

Strength Training

This should have absolutely

BROKEN ME

beyond a visible,

hopeful repair.

I praise You,

my Beautiful God,

for how far You have

taken me!

The initial shattering

was resolved in silent tears -

during which You held me

close to You and Your

holy heart.

This should have ruined my day,

beyond the shadow of a doubt

left me in SHAMBLES

wanting only to be alone.

But here I am, Lord,

smiling, laughing,

eating pancakes on this

maiden voyage.

I praise Your Name,

sweet Daddy who loves me,

for picking me up and

making me stronger,

making me more.

I love You.

I love you both.

Aila

Hi. My name is Aila, and I'm scared to death.

Not a bad scared. More like a: "......... WHOA" that has pierced me as far and deep as anything can. Let me explain.

You may have seen my face before under a different name - Courtney. Well, she died. THANK GOD. She was so uncertain, so fearful. She hid from everything and everyone. She could not discern truth from what she heard. She had no love of people. She did not know who she was, what she was doing, or where she was going. She was shattered. She hurt. She could not weep for someone else. Her preoccupation was only with herself. She fought for nothing. She fell for anything. She was a prisoner. She was weak, hopeless, isolated. She was desperately lonely. She was purposeless.

She no longer exists.

It took about a year and a half for her to diminish, but she is gone. Nothing that she was remains - save her likeness, which I bear.

But my name is Aila. And don't you forget that. I am nothing like her. And my life is about to change drastically.

I am about to move out of my parents house for the first time in over 19 years. Granted, I'm not moving far, and I will not be on my own. But I will still be out. Away from certain brands of negativity that sometimes seem to stifle me, away from a set of opinions I've always lived with that aren't mine. Away from the safety net of my parents' provision, away from the comfort of having someone else make the hard decisions and sacrifices that I would just rather not think about. I am moving into a giant building with more than 30 other individuals.

PS - I'm definitely an INTROVERT.

And I really really really don't want to be that kid - you know the one. The person everyone wishes would get kicked out, or would quit early. The person no one invites to do anything because they're tired of dealing with them. The annoying roommate. The one intern left outside the community because no one likes them. That kid.

I am also painfully aware that I am walking into a community with set groups. It's not nearly as bad as other groups that I've seen - and struggled in. But it's there. There's that one group where everyone hangs out together allllll the tiiiiiime. They have their little inside jokes, and I'm pretty sure they even have a name for themselves now. There's the another circle of people who have known each other since forever. There's groups of guys that are all into sports and that's the glue that keeps their posse together. There are girls who have already chosen their best friends.

Awesome.

I love that they all have such strong little families. Really, I do. I love that they don't compete with each other, that the groups mix and have fun, that nothing is exclusive. But the ghost of Courtney's past whispers sometimes....

However, I suppose if no group adopts me and no new group is formed, I will remain as I am. I have always been somewhat of a loner.

Time to remember the moment I knew I needed a new name:

It's been a month ago today. The leadership retreat. She said the words I needed to hear. She spoke feverishly over and over again. "You belong. You belong. You belong. You belong..." I broke like I have never broken before. It was the last wall. I lay on the floor, crumpled, crying my eyes out. I don't cry in front of people. But there I was. And it was beautiful.

I asked to be shown who I was.

"Your name is Strength,

your essence is Love,

your breath is Courage,

your shadow is Restoration."

"You connect the unconnectables."

[guess He didn't feel like speaking in plain language?]

And everything changed. The last bit of Courtney died in that moment, and a new name was put on my heart.

Aila (eye-la) means "light-bearer; from the strong place"

I've come to understand in this last month just how powerful and fall-reaching - how unconditional - real love for another person is. I didn't know change like this was possible. How crazy is it that when I am still, when I am working with my hands and no concentration is required, I'm not thinking about Aila? I'm not worried about what my hair looks like, what someone else is thinking of me, what cool thing that just happened that made me happy [Courtney loved to relive moments over and over]. I think about my XL Group girls. I think about my best friends. I pray for them constantly, all the time. I think about my family in Christ [who, incidentally, are those people in all those little groups that the ghost of Courtney whispers about]. I think about what I can do for them. I realized it the other day - I love people. I'm patient enough to put up with all different brands of crap, and hard-headed enough to refuse to give up on anyone, no matter how retarded they [think they] are.

I've never loved anyone before. Not like this, anyway.

I love them so much, I bleed for them. I cried for my Loves this morning because I know they are broken, they are hurting. Loves whose families are falling apart, Loves who are fearing great change, Loves who are isolating themselves again [and pushing me away], Loves who haven't got a clue. I am a warrior in the front lines of these battles. I wouldn't change that for the world! Why? Because I love these people. I love them with everything I have.

The hard part was giving it back to God, to refuse to worry. Worry changes nothing, and prevents me from enjoying the life I've been so infinitely blessed with. It's my natural inclination, though. So I did it - I gave it back. Not my battle. It's His. Because I love them, and now I can break anew when they call me or text me or facebook me with new pain; it won't overwhelm me.

Once upon a time, Courtney was told she was not a nice person, that people couldn't possibly like her. She was told she was overwhelmingly selfish, and mean. She was told that God would not want her to do things for Him, would not want to use her. She was told she would never make it to where she was aiming for. She was told she was responsible for other people's pain. She was told she was ugly. She was told she was stupid. She was fed all sorts of horrible, nasty lies from all different people - not all of whom meant to cause her harm.

It's amazing how the truth didn't just set her free - it released Aila, an entirely new life.

I was reading a friend's blog today, and was struck hard in the place where I write [there is a cavity where my mind, heart, and ink overlap] by his last words. I would like to steal his ending because I just loved it, it gave me goosebumps, and just because I can:

"... you can't un-jump a cliff. Pray for me."

The Unrest

Welcome to the

Unrest,

to true

selfless motherhood,

to Love for another that's

REAL.

Welcome to the

Unrest,

where your heart

walks around

outside your body,

and your preoccupation

does not begin with

'me', 'myself' or 'I'.

Welcome to the

Unrest,

to abandoning your

excuses,

to sacrificing everything,

to giving it

ALL.

Welcome to the

Unrest,

where the rewards are

greater than you

ever imagined,

and the chance you have

to touch the world,

is the chance

YOU TAKE.

Call Me Love

Call me

Love,

for that's all I

am,

all I

know,

all I

see.

Call me

Love,

change my

name,

because I

can't escape it,

nothing can

break it.

Call me

Love,

for that's all

that matters,

all anyone

wants,

all I have

to give.

Call me

Love.

Untitled Nightmare

It's dark and
haunting,
ripping through
the peace.
The shells of colors
stand as ghosts:
whithered
and dead,
having bled to death
in the saturation
of destruction.

Open up.
Light floods the
scene of
smoking wreckage and
shatter pieces of
what
was.

Ready or Not

There is so much

LIFE

in beginnings,

so much

POTENTIAL;

if it can be

IMAGINED,

then it can

BE.

I sit and stare

at this new beginning,

and a

MILLION THOUGHTS

flood my mind.

Thoughts of you,

thoughts of me,

thoughts of God,

thoughts of color,

thoughts of friendships,

thoughts of adventure,

thoughts of risks,

thoughts of growth,

thoughts of challenges.

Dear Next Ten Months Of My Life:

ready or not,

HERE

I

COME.

Please Will You Hurry Up

Have I mentioned to you

lately

how completely and utterly

DISTRACTING

you are?!

You have infiltrated

my thoughts

and I can't seem

to remove your

name and face

from the very front

of my mind.

You have got me thinking

all sorts

of things,

and have disrupted my

get-through-the-day attitude;

every thought of you

is punctuated with a

smile.

Dear My Life:

please will you

HURRY UP.

Whispers of Love

Breathe, Darling;

don't take your eyes off Me.

My love is

enough.

Choose trust,

Sweet One,

choose rest;

everything is

already

taken care of.

Smile, My Beauty;

I delight in you.

Nothing makes Me happier

than calling you

My own.

Hold still,

My Love;

I will wrap
My arms around you,

give you strength

give you hope

give you reasons

NOT to give up.

Obey Me,

Precious Child;

I want and know

what's best.

Let it go,

and be infinitely blessed.

You're Mine.

Don't Be Angry, My Dear

I am only motivated

by love,

My Dear;

it is only because

I CARE.

Nothing you

do or say

will alter that,

will take it away,

will change my mind.

My love for you is

unconditional,

you see.

So,

My Dear,

don't be angry

with me

for simply wanting for you

what's best;

it only makes me

want it

MORE.

Such A Time As This

In sheer faith,

I fell on my face,

praying for you

all night long.

I wept

and begged

and poured out my heart

through the watches

of the night.

I have risen

to my feet again,

head held high,

FEARLESS.

I am ready to do

whatever

deliverance demands;

I have come to my position

for such a time as this.

My Love

You have a lot

to lose,

My Love.

Please don't take

the risk.

I would absolutely

hate to see

your life after it

self-destructs.

You have a lot

to lose,

My Love.

You may think

I'm farther away

but I'm not

- I remain at your side -

it's you who's

turning away;

and both of us that

changed - every single day.

You have a lot

to lose,

My Love.

But if you choose

not to fight this,

and succumb to

your own destruction,

then I've lost you already

- which is too bad because

you will

ALWAYS

have my heart.

Opposites

I guess I just

forgot

that we are

opposites.

That wasn't the answer

I wanted -

but it was very

YOU.

Sometimes our balance

is very comforting;

sometimes,

not so much.

But I don't

CLASH

like you do

[of course not -

I am your opposite],

I simply

BREAK

against whoever I have

collided with,

and change to

meet their needs.

But when it's

ME

with the need,

I can't really

compromise.

Distraction

The numbers on the clock

burn into me;

I haven't heard

a word.

I sigh and tell myself

a million little stories

to excuse the weighty

absence.

The pain in my body

is a constant ache,

with sharp turns

every now and again.

But the distraction I seek

does not seek me,

so what else can

be said for it?

The Way I Planned

When I think of

you

the time passes far more

s l o w l y.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Nothing I ever

plan on

ever turns out

the way I planned.

Car Wreck

I couldn't comprehend -

shards of thoughts -

jerking motion -

crunching crumble -

chunks of plastic -

pain.

This isn't happening.

Trapped -

doors won't open -

crawling out the window -

can't think straight -

frantic phone calls -

911.

This can't be right.

Red and blue lights -

tears and shaking -

horror -

lost little girl [oh wait, I'm a grown up?] -

men with badges and clipboards -

sweltering, dripping heat.

This isn't real.

Deafening noise -

please just hold me -

goggling passersby -

adrenaline and fear -

pretending to be fine -

hugging strangers.

This can't be me.