My Weekend

I had THE MOST AMAZING weekend!! I feel like I just got back from a crazy retreat, but I've been home all weekend, doing the regular stuff.

SATURDAY

It started on Saturday morning. I was babysitting my brother since my mom was at a home school meeting and my dad was hog hunting all weekend. Colton is 8, and he had a baseball game. I am not athletically inclined. I do not understand baseball. Saturday morning was cold and windy and I found myself huddled up in a little ball, sitting on the grass, enduring a game that was supposed to be an hour and ended up being an hour and a half long, basically just feeling sorry for myself.

ENTER GOD

I was totally struck by God just then. He started talking to me and talking to me - the whole time I was at the game. He told me how He missed me spending so much time with Him like I used to, reminded me that He was jealous for me. We talked about everything - absolutely everything - and then He started asking me strange questions. Such as, "Do you trust me?" I told Him that I did. He asked if I loved Him. I assured Him that I loved Him. He asked, "Do you believe that My ways are higher than your ways?" "Yes I do," "Do you trust me and love me enough to put me first and obey me, even when it might not make sense to you?" "uh.. yeahhh.... why? I'm not gonna lie, God. These don't sound like great questions." He told me what He was planning to end this weekend - a part of my life that was pretty important to me. But He assured me, "You will have peace. Don't be afraid. I'll be right there, comforting you and giving you joy. I will not remove this from your life, but for right now, it cannot be what it was."

I got home, and read "The Same Kind of Different As Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. The book is absolutely wonderful, and I highly recommend it. I was less than half-way through, and I finished the book on Saturday. It's about a woman named Deborah Hall, her ministry to homeless people, her amazing life, and how she touched everyone around her. She died of cancer. The story is told by her husband and a homeless man whose life she has totally changed. It's a true story. Tears poured down my cheeks as I read parts of this book. I had to put it down at one point, and I just prayed, "God! Make me like Deborah Hall!!! I want that more than anything. I want to bring that kind of beauty. I want to leave have that kind of impact."

SUNDAY

I went to Celebration to work with kinder and 1st graders in the 1130 service. It was spectacular! I love that age, and the kids were wonderful. I played with them and talked to them. I worshiped with them and loved on them. I loved it soso much! I work with kids in Awana, but I only see them during game time, so I haven't had much of a chance to build real relationships with the kids. The one-on-one time I got, just getting to know them, warmed my heart. I'm ready to go back!

During the XL service, everything Pastor Paul talked about brought me back to that book - "Same Kind of Different as Me". I was reminded again of the timeless beauty that Deborah Hall graced this world with and the change in Denver's life that has touched so many others. Again, I wanted that. The extended worship, though, is what blew me away.

The music started, and I was there: in the throne room of God, singing and praising in time with the angels and the people that surrounded me. I was one with creation that cannot help but bring glory to its Creator. It was the most amazing and intense worship service I have ever been in. But I cannot stop at singing. God made me a writer, so I must write. I can never finish a service standing by the stage. I have to return to my seat and pour out a 'word-offering' to my King. Every time. I sat down last night, had not written for very long, and felt very strongly that I should put the pen down, be still, and know that He is Lord. I'm not good at sitting still, but I was very still last night. Suddenly, I was no longer in Celebration. I could not hear the music. I was no longer sitting in the purple chair. I was having a vision.

THE VISION

I was in a room with four walls. Three walls were lined with identical, unmarked, white marble pillars. Behind them, it was so dark I could not see where the wall was, but I knew it was there. There were wispy things that looked like smoke lurking behind the pillars. I knew that they were bad and I should not touch them. I could not see the celieng, but the floors were the same white marble as the pillars. The fourth wall, however, was a giant window. The window was completely open - no glass - and there were curtains blowing on either side of the window. The curtains were on fire, but they were not burning up. There was a window seat with white cushions. Out the window, I saw a beautiful land. I saw a giant feild full of flowers of all different colors. There was a path that lead from the center of the window out into the horizon. On the right of the path, there was a giant tree - it was MASSIVE - and a little bench was beneath it. On the left of the path, there was a stream with cattails and frogs and it was teeming with life. It was sunset, just at the time when everything looks golden and wonderful. It was warm, there was a gentle breeze, and it smelled wonderful outside.

After seeing the room, I realized where I was. I was standing very near to a pillar on the wall opposite the window. It was the first pillar of that wall, all the way to the right, in the corner. Turning to look to my right behind me, I saw pillars and I knew that they were people. I could see my mom and dad and others who have impacted me. To my left, I saw pillars and knew that they were people I had not met yet. The room, I knew, was my life, and the pillars are the people who support me and hold me up. I was staring straight ahead at this pillar, and the black wispy things started to creep up around me and the pillar, and I could not see anything in my paripheral vision but the wispys. I took a step back, and the wisps immediately withdrew, back behind the pillar. I turned and saw the window. Fascinated, I walked over and sat on the window seat. I took a deep breath and enjoyed the beauty. Suddenly, I thought of how wonderful it would be to walk on that path. I climbed out the window, began walking on the path, and found myself in Celebration being blasted by music.

It was incredible.

I'm so excited by everything that God is doing, the changes that He has made. I have never had anything so in-my-face and tangible from God before. I can't fully describe what it was like. Words are so limited sometimes... But everything has changed. My life has been rearranged this weekend, and I am SO PUMPED about it! God is moving IN ME! Sometimes I wonder how in the world He can still want me after all the times I've messed up, all the times I've refused what He's told me, all the days I've pushed Him aside. How amazing and wonderful and freeing is it that I have a Maker that loves me so much? I am nothing without Christ. Nothing at all. I have worth and value only because He says I do. Alone, I am a rebellious body that was made of dirt, ridiculously fragile and short-lived. But through Jesus, I have become something eternally living, a person with a purpose, a demonstration of love and grace.

HOW COOL IS THAT??

:)

She could feel it
slip
away.

"Crawl back into the shadows"

came a voice from
the fog.

And she did.

She was used to
being
ignored.

Chocolate Chase

I'm not going to lie:
I love
loving
chocolate.
The need I have for it
- much like a smoker
needs their cigarettes -
has lead to
interesting
discoveries.
Such as the little wrapped
wonders
in the top of the pantry:
They looked
like little foil insects.
But really,
they were
truffles!
I did not discover this
until I bit into one,
and the pleasant surprise
- so simple and unexpected -
has made my day.

To health fanatics,
I ask:
if my need to consume chocolate
had not driven me to the
top shelf of the pantry,
would the highlight of my day
be nearly so sweet?

There Is A Door

There is a door.

I open it a crack
and glass is flying.
The shattered pieces
but my face
as they fly by.
Peaking in,
I see myself
as I once was,
huddled alone, broken,
on the floor.

This door is the past.

Sometimes events of today
bring me back
to the time when glass was flying;
a cyclone around my
beating heart.
I hate remembering.
But it is a part of
who
I
am.

I reach for the door again.

More prepared this time,
I duck
as shards shoot past.
I stare at the pitiful figure,
silent tears
dripping from her chin.
I take a deep breath
and I feel...
nothing.
Former pain will not be mine again.

I close the door quietly.

Turning,
I face today.
The white scars from the flying glass
are my legacy:
I can overcome - I've faced worse.
The door stands at my back;
I still feel its presence.
Around me, the air crackles
with electricity.
This, I can handle.

There is a door.

Word Offering

My very flesh
cries out
for my King.
How beautiful You are,
Lord!
I cannot be
apart
from You, and live.
My breath
is by Your grace.
My heartbeat
a demonstration of Your
neverending
crazy
LOVE.
I am nothing
without You.
You give me my
name,
You give me my
value.
I have nothing
to bless You with,
I have nothing
to give You
that isn't
already
Yours.
So I pour out this
word
offereing,
and my heart
feels You step
closer.
Oh
the joy it brings me,
Lord,
- how I smile -
when we
draw near
to each other.

Light Up

Light up,
my love.
Your heart burns in the night
and warms me
when everything else
is cold.

The Key

The key to my
heart.
You request
a piece of metal
that hangs on a chain
between my collar bones.

I smile at you,
and think
how silly it is
that you ask
for a physical representation
of what you
already
have.

Come closer.
Let's make some
memories.

Your eyes
are full of emotion
and
your hands
are never still.

With speech and
with silence,
we communicate.

I breathe in.

I breathe out.

I want to
disappear
inside of who you are.

I fell for you once,
I fell for you twice,
and I'm falling again -
without pausing to catch my breath.

I know nothing,
but that
you are one of the
greatest
gifts
I have ever received.

When you want to
hold my hand,
even when
they are dirty,
I cant help
but be amazed
that you love me
as
I
am.

It was with the
reopening
of something old,
that something
new
was made.

It is with bravery
and trust
that people draw near.

The privilege of
simply knowing
is an honor,
indeed.

I Blame The Rain

The rain is falling softly
on this empty,
quiet house.
There is a stillness
inside
that should not be
disturbed.


I reach for my
glass of tea,
uttering not a sound,
and find that I have been
whisked
off
by my imagination,
to a world I've made
of words in my head.



I have been told before,
that I am
now
expected
to act like an adult.

But
really.

Who wants to be one of
those
when they have the capacity
to
be
ANYTHING
?

;Just So You Know

I'm going to sleep, now,
baby;
just so you know.
But my favorite spoon
is dirty
- it's sitting on my desk -
and the food beside it,
I should've put in the fridge
yesterday;
just so you know.
And, honey,
I've got to face things tomorrow
that I don't want to
deal with
right now;
just so you know.
In case I don't wake up,
or don't get another chance
to tell you,
I love you;
just so you know.
I'll be thinking
of you
as I drift off;
just so you know.
So pray for me,
Sweetheart,
as I sleep -
it's the only thing
good
to
do
that I can think of;
just so
you know...

I never say "goodbye"
anymore.
It's a final,
ugly word
and I want
nothing
to do with it.
It makes me sad
to hear your
perfect
lips
utter such nonsense as
"goodbye".
Because it's not
the end.
It never was.
We will always be
a piece of each other.

I miss you,
tonight.

I wish you had
never used
that
word.

I know you're busy.
Trying to forget.
I'm sorry.
I never meant for that to happen.
Not like it did.
Do you understand?
It was hurt you now or hurt you later.
And hurt you later hurt me, too.
In case you don't remember, I predicted this.
I told you it would happen.
I couldn't give you what wasn't yours.
I couldn't cause things to happen that were never meant to be.
But I did care about you.
I really, truly did.
And I know you're busy.
Trying to forget.
But I really am sorry.

Someday you'll be okay too.

Do you hear it?
That's the rain.
It's falling on me
and me alone.
It's pouring down,
pounding my skin,
washing my image away
until you can't even see
me
anymore:
everything I was,
is a puddle on the ground.

Wait until I
hit the ground,
crumple,
and can't get back up.
Come to me,
then,
with arms open,
in that place where I am
beyond fear.
I don't want to be
the last one to find
home.
Give me a moment
to collect my treasure,
and remember what I'm
worth.
Don't get to close,
if I can't see.
Touch my heart
- don't be afraid -
it is sore
but I trust you
to hold me as I'm
bleeding.

And Run

I wish you could touch me
where my heart is hiding
with your rough fingers
that I
love
so
much.

I wish I could pull
everything away
that wasn't
purely
me
so that you could see me
uncluttered.

I wish I could take you
and run.

It was a very
quiet moment:
Beautiful.
Safe.
Silent.
Stunning.

We were separated
from the rest of the world.
Just you and I,
in a hidden place,
while the rest of the world
moved in chaos
below.
I would have given you
my heart
if it wasn't
already
yours.

Hands

Oh.

My hands.



Were they
always
this beautiful?


I guess I never noticed my hands
before you touched them,
explored them,
with yours.

I never knew that
hands
could be so wonderful.

You held mine
in the dark
never still
always moving
testing the many ways
yours and mine
could join.

My hands must be
different, now.
I am sure you have changed them.
In any case,
they have learned how
your hands feel.
And it seems
my hands are
restless
without the pressure
of yours.

I did not know that
one pair of hands
could miss
another.

Train wreck

People are like
train wrecks:
Momentum builds.
The tracks have been
laid.
Intentions billow to the
surface.
Clashing passions.
No room to
stop.
EarthshatteringCRASH.

Heartbreak
means
fatality.

Escape

Sometimes,
all we need is a little escape.
A change in perspective.
Fresh experiences.

There's nothing quite like it.

Escape
highlights the mistakes we've been making
- and lets us forget about them.
It refreshes us,
when we are weary of walking
down the same road
in the same direction.
It challenges us,
when we've stopped fighting.
It ignites us,
when the passion dies down.

Escape
is a beautiful thing
- and it's even good for you!
It stimulates your brain
in new ways.
It gives your heart
new eyes.
It presents your body
with a different set of obstacles.
It gives your soul
room to breathe.

I escaped.

I was remade.

I have returned


But I am different.
Do not expect me
to be the same.