Last night I made a
blue velvet cake because I decided they shouldn't
all be red.
Sometimes, I think that if I really did go to the Alaskan bush [like I always threaten to do when I am overwhelmed], no one would miss me or even know I was gone.
I love drinking tea in a quiet, thoughtful atmosphere.
I have a tendency to hide and run. Constantly. From everyone and everything.
I hate dishonesty more than anything else.
Did you know that?
Some of those are secrets. But they are all true.
There are people in my life that I am not sure why they still know me. Logically, we should not be friends anymore. Most of these people I have not seen in months. They have their life, I have mine. We have nothing in common anymore...
But memories. We have memories in common.
I was talking to one of these people yesterday, wondering why we still speak after everything our relationship has been through, when I had a sudden thought: this person just wants to be known. Really known and cared about. That's what all of us want, right?
No one wants to be forgotten.
No one wants to be left behind.
No one wants to be alone.
No one wants to be reduced to a memory.
We want to be loved.
We want to be included.
We want to be important to someone.
We want to be known.
Perhaps these people that still talk to me do so because they know I will talk back. We have histories, memories, shared experiences. We've seen parts of each other, glimpses of who we really are underneath our defenses. We've witnessed each other grow.
Why do we fall into viewing people as less than they are, and more of who they are to us?
People have identities, stories, feelings, dreams, realities, histories, lessons learned. We are complex, individual, unique, imperfect, constantly changing.
And yet we try to label each other with one or two words. We say things like 'that's my ex-boy/girl friend' as if all they've ever done is date us when we're only half of that story anyway.
Why are we so desperate to hide the ugly things about us? Everyone has them. Skeletons in the closet, regrets, weaknesses, an unattractive side. We would be so much more comfortable with each other if we could admit to those things. If we accept them about ourselves then they are much easier for other people to accept - and to help us with.
I'm not afraid of who I was.
Who I was only shows you how I got to who I am. And who I am right now is the only version of me that you need to be concerned about. You've been other people too - but I won't hold that against you. I'm not afraid of who you were, either.
So how about I introduce myself again.
Hi. My name is Courtney Seeley. Jesus is my everything. I write - it's like a disorder and I can't stop. I love color. I have a bucket list and I've already gotten to mark off 6 things. High school really sucked for me. I battled suicidal depression, an eating disorder, a stomach ulcer, panic attacks, and lonliness. It's a good thing Jesus loves me. I'm really happy now, happier than I ever thought I could be. Celebration Church is my home and the people there are my family. I'm really far from perfect. I'm really strange and I have odd habits; sometimes I blame and weirdness on having been home schooled. :) I'm physically very fragile. I am who I am, and I'm not ashamed of that.
P.S. - sometimes I have pity parties. Feel free to shake me up when I do.
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 [The Message]
"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that conusummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is Love."
