He stumbled in,
as if drunk.
He looked at me
and smiled.
I turned my face into
unapproachable stone.

But he altered his course anyway
and walked right past me:
long hair swinging,
smiled sickening.
I pulled out a notebook
as he walked past.

I began writing
"He stumbled in,
as if drunk."

I had thought he was gone.

But when I wrote the
8th line,
he returned.

It has been a long time,
since that day you said
you loved me.
I wish you had not
said that.

I almost believed you.

I guess I
choose
not to believe that you were
lying.
Perhaps you thought you
know what it was.

But you didn't.

It has been a long time,
since that day.
I don't think I regret it.
Some part of me
needed
those tears.

Different Set

I could have made a
different set of mistakes,
and forfeited your smile.

I see that,
now.

And I can't help but wonder
- as a deep, sticky
aching
settles in my bones -
if I made the right choice.
Maybe I should have
given you up,
saved you from watching this,
from watching me,
as I'm slowly dying.

Are all your smiles
worth all your tears?

I have never done anything
that hurt you,
before.
I don't like this
silence
that was once filled
with your laughter.

A different set of mistakes...

What would you change,
Love,
if you had to?

What You Said

It started as a whisper.

Warm breath-words
carressing my ear
that moved through my hair
and disolved into the night.
It gave me chills.

Then the rain began to fall
around the two of us
-just standing there-
giving hope to the parched ground.
I looked up at you,
and lightening flashed.

You couldn't have come
any closer
without becoming a part of me.
Raindrops dripped from your eyelashes
and your lips were in a
wet smile.

I breathed slowly,
as the moment stretched on.
The rain was a curtain around us,
isolating who we were
from the rest of the world.

I'll never forget what you said.

Sometimes, when I look
forward,
I see you there:
ahead of me.
But then I
think,
- then I
blink -
and you're gone.

The haunting me
with your face
has got to stop.
I simply can't take
the sadness
in
your
eyes
any longer.
It makes me feel that I am
responsible
for the pain
you have.
I hate that.
And it's not
my fault.

I would hug you
if I didn't think
I would
only
make
it
worse.

I'm so sorry.

That's all I can
do or say.

Lack of Comprehension

This was not
the plan;
not what I had
in mind.
Why is it happening?
I don't understand -
what
is going on?
There are dots
- somewhere -
that I can't
connect....

It is so wretched
to be human,
sometimes.
I am so limited.
And I still
dont
get
it.
Why this?
Why now?

I sigh.

Keep It That Way

There are moments of clarity
that descend to our level
and stick to us,
like snow on an undisturbed branch:
a blanket of reality.
Beautiful things often occur
unexpectedly.
I'm hoping this is true of
you,
as I prepare to let you in.
Little red flags are dancing,
blowing and snapping in your
wind-words;
when you speak to me,
I'm not so sure...
I'm just looking for
beauty
and
simplicity
you see, nothing complicated,
nothing ugly.
Not a thing that I have is yours.
Not a thing that you have is mine.
Let's keep it that way.

I'm not afraid of you.





I thought you should know.

It's the way you look at me,
I guess-
like you're sizing me up.




Well go ahead.


I'm not afraid.
Nothing that I have is yours.

my random thoughts

It's 1145pm on Friday, February the 6th, 2009. My brother's 8th birthday. My sister is trying to sleep. I'm having random thoughts. Here's a glimpse into the thoughts chasing themselves in circles in my head:

I really miss all the cool things we used to have up here. ok. *i* used to have up here. LIVE things. caterpillars that turned to butterflies, turtles, giant spiders, snakes, praying mantises, tree frogs - you name it. Now the weirdest thing up here is me. when did i stop dragging strange creatures upstairs and studying them? It wasnt that long ago... 2 years ago, maybe?? something along those lines. i really really miss the praying mantises. i think they were my favorite. and the frogs. i love frog feet, you see. they are shaped so funny! man, i even moved the tank out to the shop. like that was that: nothing cool was ever coming in our room again. poor briana. haha im pretty sure she didnt like half the things i made her live with. :) in fact, she was just making fun of me for missing having praying mantises in my room. i'm pretty sure she's right, and im potentially THE ONLY person that misses having praying mantises in my room. but that is beside the point.

I'm also feeling artsy again. i want to go down to the studio on 8th street [or whatev that place is called] in gtown and paint pottery. ive been wanting to go down there forever. why dont i just DO it? i should. i'll have to do SOMETHING soon anyway. the creativity is building up inside me and needs to come out. i want to paint or draw. i need a new mini-project.

i've also been thinking about the summer vs the winter time. I think i wear more red in the summer, and i find myself missing the color red somehow. i'm wearing my over-sized 'Harvard' sweat shirt thats bright red and smells like boys [its a good smell. comforting.] but i'm still thinking i should wear more red. i really do like that color. and yellow. but i have yellow Toms now that i wear constantly, so that problem was already solved. :) I decided that purple and grey were very thoughtful colors. they seem restful to me. i love wearing them and seeing them. i think they're my new fav colors. for some reason i always have fav colors in pairs. not just one.

we used to have a set of encyclopedia books. A-Z. A whole bunch of them. i used them allllll the time. when the schoolroom molded we had to throw them away bc they were ruined. :( I started reading 'A' all the way through just like a book. i got pretty far and returned it to the schoolroom just before it molded. i never got to finish and i really really want to. it's kinda neat just picking it up and learning random things. it's structured according to how one would look it up - not the easiest way to read it straight through. i miss those encyclopedias....

I really dont like having a bunch of people at my house. i just dont. i never have. at sleepovers when i was little, i would always end up crying. its like its too much for me to handle. i just want to go upstairs and close the door. i am great at getting ready for company, but not for having them. at least when they aren't my guests. the ones this evening were for my brother's birthday. i spent most of the time in my room. when they're MY guests, i can go into 'hostess mode' and take care of everything. but not tonight. i set up and helped when it was necessary, and then i came up here. i wasnt even doing anything up here, really. just laying on my bed and listening to snatches of the chatter downstairs. it was all family. its not that i dont like my family. i just dont like a billion people at my house. my fav way this house can be is silent with no one in it but me.

I'm having an ice cream issue. ice cream and i were never great friends. we saw each other at birthday parties and sometimes on family movie nights. but i wasnt a big fan. when i went sky diving, as i was falling through the air after we first jumped from the plane, i was thinking about ice cream. idk why. i had never craved ice cream before [and i crave weird things. like goldfish and apple dessert pizza. together.], but i was thinking about it. ever since i landed, i have wanted nothing but ice cream. it is insatiable. i have it 2 and 3 times a day sometimes. i cant get enough of it. i dont even know why...

circa survive's 'On Letting Go' and coldplay's 'viva la vida' are two albums that i simply cannot get over. every time i think i have fully discovered and exhausted the amazingness of the songs, i fall in love with them all over again. both albums were by artists i wasnt overly familiar with and they were both highly recommended from friends. i borrowed the CDs from the people recommending them, and i've been in love since. i even made a playlist titles 'circa coldchill' on my iPod and listen to it constantly. i love how the songs from both albums seem to mesh.

i get the National Geographic Adventure magazine. because i want to see the world and i want to have insane adventures. THATS why. anyways. i was reading in the latest isse [i received it in the mail yesterday] about a scientist who studies elephants. he lives in africa [kenya] and goes on crazy elephant-tracking adventures all the time. i want to do that some day! i want to have cool stories! i want to go camping in the african desert and be dirty and disgusting and track elephants and be scared of the wildness around me. i want to live in another country and experience a new culture and gain perspective. im not really into 'stuff'. my dream/ideal life does not include a huge house and a nice car. i want memories, experiences, stories to tell when im old and in a rocker. i want things to write about. i want to see things that inspire me that i can in turn use to inspire others. i want adventure. i want to learn. i want to see things. i want things to go wrong so ill have stories to tell. i want to reach outside of my limitations and try things that are perfectly normal in other places that we would NEVER consider doing here.

another thing thats really going around in my mind is my book. IM GETTING SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE! theres light at the end of the tunnel! this is so exciting and so scary. but praise God i'm more excited than scared right now. haha My goal was to be contacting editors/agents/publishers by the end of this semester. im def going to make that. crazy. i always pictured myself doing this. this is my dream. IM LIVING OUT MY DREAM. right now. this is what ive always pictured for myself. it was hard choosing not to go to a real college. i was accepted everywhere i applied, you see. i chose to go to ACC for my book. sometimes i feel like im missing out. but im chasing my dreams. what else is there? this was my plan. its always been my plan. people seem to look down on me for it sometimes. but this is who i am. i cant be anyone else.

the last thing im really thinking about is the changes ive made in myself. ive had to stop pretending and find Courtney again - the REAL Courtney. the one i havent seen since i was, idk, 8? she wasnt easy to find. but the more i get to know her, the happier i am. im an introvert who actually likes silence. i used to be afraid of being alone and of silence. but now i realize that thats when i am not only myself the most, but i get the most done that way. i process things better mentally. i learn. i do things that are good for me. i also used to be lonely. but im not anymore. i dont have to txt people constantly to feel like im important or that i have real friends. im content in that area right now. finally. things are getting simpler in the aloneness and the silence. this is good. more room to breathe.

I sip the warm tea slowly:
I'm listening to you
and savoring the heat
on my tongue.

I look at you:
I see more than skin
and beautiful eyes,
I see potential.

I take a deep breath:
sometimes I'm convinced
that I think too much -
but sometimes I don't think enough.

You look back at me:
There's a smile playing on your lips,
filling up your eyes,
and I almost feel that I belong to you, somehow.

I look down into my cup:
Where did you suddenly come from?
You're gaurded but honest,
and I'm running away.

I look out the window, avoiding your eyes:
You try to come closer
and I run for the hills;
why am I afraid of you?