my random thoughts

It's 1145pm on Friday, February the 6th, 2009. My brother's 8th birthday. My sister is trying to sleep. I'm having random thoughts. Here's a glimpse into the thoughts chasing themselves in circles in my head:

I really miss all the cool things we used to have up here. ok. *i* used to have up here. LIVE things. caterpillars that turned to butterflies, turtles, giant spiders, snakes, praying mantises, tree frogs - you name it. Now the weirdest thing up here is me. when did i stop dragging strange creatures upstairs and studying them? It wasnt that long ago... 2 years ago, maybe?? something along those lines. i really really miss the praying mantises. i think they were my favorite. and the frogs. i love frog feet, you see. they are shaped so funny! man, i even moved the tank out to the shop. like that was that: nothing cool was ever coming in our room again. poor briana. haha im pretty sure she didnt like half the things i made her live with. :) in fact, she was just making fun of me for missing having praying mantises in my room. i'm pretty sure she's right, and im potentially THE ONLY person that misses having praying mantises in my room. but that is beside the point.

I'm also feeling artsy again. i want to go down to the studio on 8th street [or whatev that place is called] in gtown and paint pottery. ive been wanting to go down there forever. why dont i just DO it? i should. i'll have to do SOMETHING soon anyway. the creativity is building up inside me and needs to come out. i want to paint or draw. i need a new mini-project.

i've also been thinking about the summer vs the winter time. I think i wear more red in the summer, and i find myself missing the color red somehow. i'm wearing my over-sized 'Harvard' sweat shirt thats bright red and smells like boys [its a good smell. comforting.] but i'm still thinking i should wear more red. i really do like that color. and yellow. but i have yellow Toms now that i wear constantly, so that problem was already solved. :) I decided that purple and grey were very thoughtful colors. they seem restful to me. i love wearing them and seeing them. i think they're my new fav colors. for some reason i always have fav colors in pairs. not just one.

we used to have a set of encyclopedia books. A-Z. A whole bunch of them. i used them allllll the time. when the schoolroom molded we had to throw them away bc they were ruined. :( I started reading 'A' all the way through just like a book. i got pretty far and returned it to the schoolroom just before it molded. i never got to finish and i really really want to. it's kinda neat just picking it up and learning random things. it's structured according to how one would look it up - not the easiest way to read it straight through. i miss those encyclopedias....

I really dont like having a bunch of people at my house. i just dont. i never have. at sleepovers when i was little, i would always end up crying. its like its too much for me to handle. i just want to go upstairs and close the door. i am great at getting ready for company, but not for having them. at least when they aren't my guests. the ones this evening were for my brother's birthday. i spent most of the time in my room. when they're MY guests, i can go into 'hostess mode' and take care of everything. but not tonight. i set up and helped when it was necessary, and then i came up here. i wasnt even doing anything up here, really. just laying on my bed and listening to snatches of the chatter downstairs. it was all family. its not that i dont like my family. i just dont like a billion people at my house. my fav way this house can be is silent with no one in it but me.

I'm having an ice cream issue. ice cream and i were never great friends. we saw each other at birthday parties and sometimes on family movie nights. but i wasnt a big fan. when i went sky diving, as i was falling through the air after we first jumped from the plane, i was thinking about ice cream. idk why. i had never craved ice cream before [and i crave weird things. like goldfish and apple dessert pizza. together.], but i was thinking about it. ever since i landed, i have wanted nothing but ice cream. it is insatiable. i have it 2 and 3 times a day sometimes. i cant get enough of it. i dont even know why...

circa survive's 'On Letting Go' and coldplay's 'viva la vida' are two albums that i simply cannot get over. every time i think i have fully discovered and exhausted the amazingness of the songs, i fall in love with them all over again. both albums were by artists i wasnt overly familiar with and they were both highly recommended from friends. i borrowed the CDs from the people recommending them, and i've been in love since. i even made a playlist titles 'circa coldchill' on my iPod and listen to it constantly. i love how the songs from both albums seem to mesh.

i get the National Geographic Adventure magazine. because i want to see the world and i want to have insane adventures. THATS why. anyways. i was reading in the latest isse [i received it in the mail yesterday] about a scientist who studies elephants. he lives in africa [kenya] and goes on crazy elephant-tracking adventures all the time. i want to do that some day! i want to have cool stories! i want to go camping in the african desert and be dirty and disgusting and track elephants and be scared of the wildness around me. i want to live in another country and experience a new culture and gain perspective. im not really into 'stuff'. my dream/ideal life does not include a huge house and a nice car. i want memories, experiences, stories to tell when im old and in a rocker. i want things to write about. i want to see things that inspire me that i can in turn use to inspire others. i want adventure. i want to learn. i want to see things. i want things to go wrong so ill have stories to tell. i want to reach outside of my limitations and try things that are perfectly normal in other places that we would NEVER consider doing here.

another thing thats really going around in my mind is my book. IM GETTING SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE! theres light at the end of the tunnel! this is so exciting and so scary. but praise God i'm more excited than scared right now. haha My goal was to be contacting editors/agents/publishers by the end of this semester. im def going to make that. crazy. i always pictured myself doing this. this is my dream. IM LIVING OUT MY DREAM. right now. this is what ive always pictured for myself. it was hard choosing not to go to a real college. i was accepted everywhere i applied, you see. i chose to go to ACC for my book. sometimes i feel like im missing out. but im chasing my dreams. what else is there? this was my plan. its always been my plan. people seem to look down on me for it sometimes. but this is who i am. i cant be anyone else.

the last thing im really thinking about is the changes ive made in myself. ive had to stop pretending and find Courtney again - the REAL Courtney. the one i havent seen since i was, idk, 8? she wasnt easy to find. but the more i get to know her, the happier i am. im an introvert who actually likes silence. i used to be afraid of being alone and of silence. but now i realize that thats when i am not only myself the most, but i get the most done that way. i process things better mentally. i learn. i do things that are good for me. i also used to be lonely. but im not anymore. i dont have to txt people constantly to feel like im important or that i have real friends. im content in that area right now. finally. things are getting simpler in the aloneness and the silence. this is good. more room to breathe.